Listen, people have sexcasuallyand sometimes with people they never hope to see again. What exactly would your perfect laws look like in regard to custody and child support anyway? Chuck Pelto You are being played with a capital P! This is a man that has never stopped cheating on you. Nobody wants to refute what John says in his first post. This does sound like a lot of cod wallop and baby malarky shenanigans to me as well. * However, if you bang and get knocked up by tiger woods (quite possible given his standards) you will be set for life and hence a lottery win is born. Take it from me, every man screws up at some point. I attempt to avoid name calling, but if you have a problem with one person ASKING another person to do or not do ANYTHING, you are a poor excuse for an adult! Because you sound about 17. "My mom got pregnant from a one-night-stand at 16. If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. ele4phant Fortunately, its a well known fact that theres no 100% guarantee with birth control. Both men and women create children. Though I doubt thats what they really believe. Thanks for noticing, though. Chuck(le) Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. Posted Over 1 Month. He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. This dude barebacked some girl, knocked her up, demanded she abort, and then said he wouldnt take responsibility for his child. we were truley in love. Terminating his Parental Rights just means he has no say in childs education, no visitaton, etc. He should get a damn vasectomy. In my experience, both men and women tend to blame their romantic competitor for everything, no matter where the fault lies (have you ever seen the Jerry Springer show?). I agree with the magically thing. No. My biological father, whom Ive never met, responsibly paid child support and didnt confuse me by dropping in and out of my life. When choosing adoption, I think youve made a conscious decision that your child will be better off being parented by people other than you. But hes 40?! Cookie Notice he said this is not gonna ruin us, ReginaRey He does nothing about the situation and when I try to talk about it, we never resolve the issue; he just says Im right but does nothing about it because she continues to do it. He doesnt want to be with you. This is my question for you. The only thing you need to think about is if you can stay and have a healthy relationship with a man who has a child with another woman and wants to bear minimal responsibility for raising the child. He wants to get back with the LW (again, apparently) April 9, 2012, 1:35 pm. If he doesnt own up to his part in creating a child, sorry, I think hes a jerk. You shouldnt be following so closely behind someone that if they were to suddenly slam on their brakes you wouldnt be able to stop (for a billboard, for a kid running across the street, because theyre being dicks, ect). Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. Hes scum for directing his fury at anyone other than himself. I was dating my ex girlfriend for 7 months before she broke up with me. Rachel, I have a child in the same situation. Also, it implies that using a condom prevents pregnancy. I mean, he loved the baby mama enough to get erected & to bang her & to just release evrything to make her pregnant, & what the fuck am I thinking?!?!? Maybe that outrage will be the catalyst for you to start a political career in order to change these laws that you feel are so unfair. You two seems very good at twisting everyones words, and then getting mad at those people for it. This poor unborn child who I feel very, very sorry for already, is not the problem. Agree. I think its more like HIV sufferers are more likely to be honest about how they got it because there isnt a societal blind eye for bullshitting about your personal responsibility for ending up in the predicament. Who deserves to have the two people who were responsible for bringing it into the world both contributing to support it. He can change his mind at any time and will likely get visitation at minimum. but he does not have the option to opt out entirely, which is something the pregnant woman can do. Just sayin. Only it is the LW who seems intent on absolving the boyfriend from all responsibility saying furious. WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR BOYFRIENDS PROBLEM. Ever look at the clock in your car to check the time while driving (or the radio to change channels, or a billboard)? Having unprotected sex is not a crime, but if you have sex without a condom with someone you dont know or trust entirely yet, you need to know that there is the possibility a child could be conceived, either by accident or deception. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. What sounded nice in theory is not sounding so great to Jimmy in reality. Not because there was anything wrong with me or because I didnt deserve a father or because I wasnt lovable she was always sure to explain that it was his deficits that kept him from being a part of my life. let us know if he had). Hes walking away and Susie will give birth or have an abortion alone. What would you tell your girlfriend or sister if they were in the same situation is always a good go-to. Id rather him be honest and bow out now then be in and out or in as a lousy, forced parent. He CHOSE to do that he took that risk because it feels better on his penis without a condom. Mostly for the kid though, I think. *ETA: also, most of my comments on here are usually light-heardely dumbed down just to lighten the mood a little. Why isnt it fair of him to be angry? Your logic is weird. I mean every word! The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. You see being nurturing as a weakness. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. Painted_lady That goes for women as well. Just stay away from mens wallets. The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. landygirl Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. I make no exception for men or women. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. I dont knowMaybe Im looking at this from the perspective of being an adopted child or having witnessed a friends situation, but I dont think this guy is the worlds worst person like everyone else (but hes still an asshole). That child has done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve to be thrown in the middle of these grown-up problems. All magically on the pill? It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. The fact that you can find examples of a law being broken doesnt make the law just or valid. reader, Laura1318+, writes (25 January 2008): A Thats nature, Tim. The obligation would fall solely on the mother. Womans body, womans choice, womans child, NEVER is it the mans child. That is not a legally binding document and is unenforceable. Its HERS, but it does not properly belong to either one of the men. You shouldnt expect him to bow down and praise the woman. Also, at least here in this state, its not in any way an easy thing to get out of paying, and I think its relatively difficult to avoid paying child support unless youre essentially a transient or if the woman doesnt make much of an effort to get support. But it happened. No one knows if adoptive parents end up being fabulous parents. Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. Not a double standard at all. Lets wait to have sex until we have a bigger place. April 10, 2012, 4:22 pm. Dee S. Advocate All we know is that he will be paying for it but wants nothing to do with it. No, but both partners have to accept the fact that having sex means that pregnancy might occur. April 9, 2012, 7:25 pm, I agree. Bless your heart. I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) She asked what to do with this guy. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. However, an absent father does not always result in an emotionally crippled child. bittergaymark submandave female Id be more concerned with him having unprotected sex with someone HE just met. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. TheQuietOne Again, not unusual, and since the LW and the guy were broken up, the LW has no claim to what the guy could do after the breakup. lets_be_honest If you dont want a kid with a stranger then PULL OUT!!! Babies come from the hospital. Jimmy has made his choice. And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? Not only was she on the pill, but he wore a condom! she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. Personally, I wouldnt. April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. I brought it up, that if *I* was the girlfriend, I would be bothered by this, in addition to his behavior post-conception. We broke up for 8 hours 2 months in and he met another girl within those 8 hours. If the woman is not required to support a child The guy had sex with someone who got pregnant. If the woman doesnt want the child, she has that option. Well, ok. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? It doesnt sound like shes ready or willing to deal with him having fathered a child, especially if he changes his mind and wants to be a part of its life. April 9, 2012, 8:29 pm. April 10, 2012, 10:14 pm, if a man has sex with a woman, they should be prepared to pay dearly for it for the rest of their lives. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke. April 9, 2012, 5:05 pm. She came first. anyway, well, I've been discovering that I found out she's pregnant by someone last oct that she met. He is also probably telling all sorts of lies to keep the LW with him. There were no hard feelings). April 9, 2012, 3:57 pm. Were looking at this situation through the eyes of his ex whos pissed off that he knocked up this other woman but seems pretty bound and determined to get back with him. Having placement, on the other hand, does, and what Im saying is that when it comes down to where are the kids going to stay, in situations where everything else is equal, the default position is still with the mother in most courts, with the fathers visitation dependent on how close to equal the two parents are. Thanks. And he has agreed to support the child financially. female He apologized for not telling me sooner. April 9, 2012, 4:23 pm. Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. April 9, 2012, 9:56 pm. I think we can all agree that the safest thing for men to do is to simply masturbate alone, while wearing a condom. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. She has every right to be shocked and upset about the turn of the events, but the way she is reacting; blaming everything on the woman, judging her, calling HER names, is wrong and she comes off as an immature, witchy teenager. April 10, 2012, 11:43 am. We have the means to resolve pregnancy issues. Wanting nothing to do with his child, which like it or not seems to be coming, is not acceptable- and a mature girlfriend would help him to see that these are the cards hes been dealt, and that he now has to work with them. No. Part of the agreement was they he was to never have any contact with the child. female But condoms should still be used unless the relationship is established and monogamous and both parties are disease-free. So society got together and decided that the biological parents owe a duty of monetary support to children the create. iseeshiny When all of our comments are just reiterations of the same sentiment it can get boring. Give him another chance. If there is no child at conception Now I also believe that the LW is exposing herself to STDs not this guy, because she knows that he had unprotected sex with another women, and she still chooses to be with him either way. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. I cant even write anymore, my brain hurts. Hes furious with the woman for keeping the child. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. And, in fact, there is arguably no way for the woman to actually be 100% certain of her final attitude prior to becoming pregnant. Government will go after him for either Medical Support and/or Child Support. For what its worth, Im a married guy and a father. If they dont want to be taken, then they should think before they poke landygirl. Ive done too many drugs and Id never write a letter like this XD. The kid has no blame here. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? I might disagree to a minor degree with some of your points although, re-reading your reply, I dont really think so but thats a great summary, and also completely out of place in this thread because its so rational. That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. April 9, 2012, 9:37 am. Plenty dont. He didnt expect that to happen. Weird question. April 9, 2012, 7:03 pm, Wait, whoops, no. Id at least like a comment from the LW, since, as much fun as this has been, I do agree that it seems not unlikely that the letter is contrived. I think this post must have been linked somewhere, hence all the men defenders, out to protect a mans right to have indiscriminate sex without consequences. I never grew up thinking there was something wrong with me because my biological father wasnt ready or willing to be a father to me. The waiter has no idea that she has a severe allergy to peanuts, so doesnt tell the kitchen to change gloves when preparing her meal. Guess what LW? But, are you willing to pay for his mistakes. So, she went out, hooked up with someone she knew briefly (which a lot of people do) and accidently got pregnant. Well, they dont entirely disregard fairness to the mother and/or father, but the childs interests take precedent. I dont care what ridiculous conversation anyone does or doesnt have before sex. Step back and take a look at what you have told us. what if you were pregnant, LW scenario thats been mentioned). If a guy *does not* want to be a father, he shouldnt be having sex with women unless he knows, for sure, they have a similar attitude when it comes unintended pregnancy. April 9, 2012, 4:51 pm. He should be angry at himself for choosing to take his chances, knowing the possible outcomes. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. Doesnt interest me. But, in that case as well I would have told the woman to make sure in the future she better protected herself. That support is not hers. The fact that the courts have found that men should be obligated to support mistakes is motivated by a desire to secure the welfare of the child. Both parties should be concerned about birth control. And, again, this is common except with those inflicted with social disorders who cant seem to not say exactly what theyre thinking. Im not saying its a trivial thing, but its nothing compared to birth. 1) Like it or not, men have one point where they can decide whether or not to risk becoming parents (ie before sex, they choose the degree of risk based on what, if any, precautions they take). No man would abandon a woman he impregnates. Its not a complex procedure. She still doesnt get it, but we tried. She didnt roofie him, Chuck. I just feel that they are, at times, the least bad solution. Two are very small, less than six months. Why would you want a future with someone that could do something like that? No matter what happens, if you open a bottle of coca-cola and it explodes, taking off your arm in the process, Coke pays you damages for it. Whatever you do, leave the future children or the pregnancy out of the equation when it comes to your relation. After that, its not your choice anymore. So, in other words, RR, it is a noble thing to give your child to strangers in the hope that he or she is treated well (that the adoptive parents wont abuse them, wont get divorced in a messy way, wont let them fend for themselves, and so on), even though youll have no interaction with that child again, but it is base and vile to have the same lack of interaction but to provide financial support which doesnt in any way affect the mothers ability to find a partner that is right for her. I cant believe the absurdity of some of these arguments. As for the STDs nobody is saying that you shouldnt have sex because you could get them, they are saying that if you are going to have unprotected sex, and then sleep with a different person after that, you at the very least owe it to them, to tell them that you did this, and if they ask, you should get tested. My opinion is that we all know that it can happen whether youre on birth control or not. Rather than holding him responsible, you have focused on the other women. Inc. Lee's Summit MO. In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. Hes probably the worlds most prolific internet commenter. How the heck do you administer THAT?! When its the woman who will suffer the consequences, its the woman who should be vigilant. Sure, lots of people take those chances. Your choice. I have never heard anybody going through an unwanted pregnancy say they didnt take care. It was definitely his decision too. On a side note: If the adoption had not occured and she went after him for support, he could contest it by stating that it would be detrimental to the child as he has no fatherly relationship with the child and introducing such a relationship so many years later would be harmful. Women dont have to choose between the two both are within their purview. April 10, 2012, 7:21 pm. Stop being a whiny spectator in your own life. Thats seriously not cool. If you cant handle the idea that this could happen, then wrap it up, or dont have casual sex. April 11, 2012, 8:04 am. And because a mans physical committment to the pregnancy ends after coming, the woman gets to make the call. It takes two to make a baby, and it doesnt seem like he was taking any precautions. Not everyone believes that. Turns out that the bout of food poisoning she got after their anniversary dinner and the diarrhea that came with it messed with the effectiveness of her birth control pills. How very astute of you to notice the fundamental difference between the genders. So, it's up the guy to put the idea out there of getting back together and proving to his ex that it's worth a shot. Respect her decision. You seem too whiny for most womens taste. Considering the fact that I know far more gay guys having sex (and lots more of it, with more partners, too) than I do straight people and I can honestly say none of my good gay friends have ever magically come down with HIV, yet I can name 8 people who against all odd just happened get themselves or their lovers knocked up Seriously. It has nothing to do with the man. He can bang the neighbor, the lunch lady, and his friendly neighborhood bartenderwhoever. Thats what youre always nattering about. Would be nice if they could because there were many nights when I was pregnant where my husband could have had our babies lay on his bladder instead of mine. Hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood, and it is an egregious breach of the implied sexual contract for the woman to turn around and say, Whups, knocked up! You sure arent one. Exactly, so if knowing this you still choose to proceed with anything that could result in a pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself if you become a parent. She experiences an allergic reaction and has to be rushed to the hospital. Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. If he doesnt want to have children that much, yes, he should be the one to do everything to prevent it. Let me fill you in on reality: when a guy sleeps with a woman he believes to be on the pill, he does so with the not-unreasonable expectation that she doesnt want to become pregnant. Not your body, not your choice. Have you ever seen an episode of the Maury show or any other talk drama show? Oh I agree that its a bad idea, but still a choice to be made individually. And I would believe him that he has no interest in her other than convenience. April 10, 2012, 6:37 pm. And he wants absolutely nothing to do with that baby? April 10, 2012, 6:58 pm. How about getting to know one another really well before having sex? I think the LW and her ex would do better to break up for good. bittergaymark So, really, I guess I disagree with the majority of the comments here. He says he cant stand her? He can take all the risks he wants its his choice. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. Ugh so agree with Amanda. I dont see why this issue is any different. So, again, why are you crying and being depressed over him? ha, Ive done too many drugs too. Any 40 year old man thats in the habit of jumping into bed with a woman who claims shes on BC after knowing her for 2 min is so dirty, Id be afraid to touch him much less get back in a relationship with him. People have told me-on the "adult" forums-that I speak aggressively", but I don't mean it that way. I weep for the younger folks out there. And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom. April 9, 2012, 3:44 pm. However, I dont think it sounds like hes ready or willing to settle down with either woman. Theres nothing wrong with casual sex. Comparing your own experience to other people's. If you and your partner don't feel like you're getting the love you deserve, one of you could cheat. April 9, 2012, 10:04 pm. April 10, 2012, 6:56 pm. Well, its possible that he didnt know her at all, but then after coitus he began to get to know her and things went downhill from there. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. If a pregnancy results after you do the very thing you know can cause pregnancy you have no one to blame but yourself and whining about your lack of choices or the burden of what you must now do is unproductive and frankly, a little too late. 3. One does not need to hate women to find inherent unfairness in current laws. Nevertheless, if you choose to sleep with a guy that you are not in a relationship with or have only known for two months, without doubling up on the protection, and get pregnant and decide to keep the babyThen I think you should be aware that a situation like this may happen. Im sorry, but sex creates children. If a woman has sex with a man she should be prepared for the fact that it could result in her under going a medical proceedure, be it an abortion or childbirth. Because once the innocent kid is here, the fact that he/she was an accident does not mean he/she has less of a need for supportive, involved parents. Especially if you think the laws are unfair, I think youd be particularly cautious in your actions. Your bf cant stop her from having the baby. Besides, why would you want to be with a man who is with someone else? But it also ought to be her responsibility. And you wonder why people accuse the threads of being hostile toward males?